As I Die
by Satans Little Toy
Summary: Duos thoughts as he kills himself. first timer. R
1. Final thoughts

Title:  As I Die 

**Warnings * angst, depression, hints of 1x2**

This is a one shot fic that I found in my files a few days ago, I edited it up and decided to post it. Hope you enjoy! Oh, its duo's POV.

Here I fall, into the darkness. I suppose this is what I deserve…after all the pain I've caused you, after all the hurt that I myself have felt.  I hate you all, you know that though. You all pretend to care, but you don't.  You just pretend because you don't want to feel like you should blame yourselves for what I'm about to do. Your petty needs don't faze me.  I don't care about any of you, especially not you, Heero Yuy.  

_Why did you have to care for me? Why couldn't you all just hate me…like wufei…or. Any Oz soldier unfortunate enough to meet me?  Why did you have to love me hero, then go and break my heart, after I gave you mine._

_I can't believe I let any of you get close to me! I know that all I do is hurt people! Everyone I get close to ends up hurting and its all my fault!  MY FAULT! Do you hear me! It is my fault!  All my fault that everyone around me has to feel my pain, all of my hate!!  This is what I'm going to do to fix it. Don't cry…not that any of you will, except maybe Quatre, but he would only cry out of pity, and politeness.  I hate you all._

Duo pulled the blade across his flesh swiftly, leaving his forearm slit from the crook of his elbow all the way down to his wrist.  Smiling at himself…he lay the blade atop his chest and closed his eyes

_I am shinigami, the god of death…here I come…_


	2. Awakening

As I Die  
  
A/N This was originally a one shot fic about duo committing suicide, but I got more reviews for this than any other fic I've written.so I figured I would add to it. (Someone I know also said it was waaaaaaay to short) but anyway, I decided to continue it with a few more chapters at the many requests:: voice drips w/ sarcasm:: Anyway, now for the legal crap  
  
I do not own gundam wing, I do however own a very kawaii home maid duo plushie doll. ^___^  
  
" Spoken" /thoughts/ Now, on with the fic.I hope.  
  
As I Die: Chapter two  
  
Awakening  
  
Duo opened his eyes slowly and blinked as he tried to focus.  
  
/white, too much white.got to get away from here. wait.where is here. Heaven? No, the god of death doesn't go to heaven.then.hell? But its to bright./  
  
" DAMN IT!!!"  
  
Duo wretched his body upwards and found that he was restrained by shackles to a hospital bed.  
  
" FUCK!! NO! No no no no no no no nononononononononono! NO! Dead! I'm supposed to be dead!! Why am I here!!"  
  
Just as he was about to strain upward again he heard the door open to reveal a woman in her mid twenties holding a chart in her arms. Most likely his. The woman chattered to the nurse that accompanied her into duos room, smiling and laughing, telling the nurse goodnight she turned her focus to duo, who tilted his head up as best he could to see the female doctor.or at least that's what he assumed she was. His thoughts confirmed when she smiled brightly at him and said.  
  
" Oh! I see you're awake! That's good; you've been asleep for quite some time, Mr. Maxwell. I'm Sally Po: I'm going to be the doctor in charge of your treatment."  
  
Duo felt a wave of nausea come over him as he realized he was still alive, and that he was in a hospital to be treated. Sally noticing his discomfort pressed a side button on his bed, which allowed him to sit upright. With that problem solved, she smiled sweetly again and said.  
  
" Well then, I need to change the bandages on your arm, promise not to attack me if I let your hands free for a moment?" she giggled softly and pulled a key out of nowhere to unlock the cuffs. Duo watched her as she unwrapped the bandages that encased his arm from the wrist all the way to the crook of his elbow. He cringed as he saw a gaping wound that had recently been stitched up, apparently while he was straining against the bonds, he bust a few of them.  
  
" Duo, I see you tried to get out of bed a while a go. This will have to be stitched back up again. Lucky for you, your on a morphine drip."  
  
Duo cringed.  
  
/ Who the hell does she think she is? If I cut myself this badly, I think that it implies something, like. I WANT TO - FUCKING- DIE! I can't believe someone actually had the nerve to walk into my home and take me to a hospital. Who in their right mind would want to save a wacko like me? /  
  
As if answering his question, Chang wufei walked into the room, and grimaced slightly when he saw the wound on the other boys arm.  
  
"Duo." The boy whispered, barely audible. "What have you done? Why." Wufei looked down at the floor, suddenly finding it very interesting. Duo looked up at him in shock.  
  
/ Did Fei' walk into my apartment.and carry me to a hospital? Why does he look so lost.like he doesn't belong here? I put him through this. stupid stupid stupid duo, how the hell could you have forgotten./  
  
Wufei looked up at the boy on the bed with a quizzical look on his face.  
  
"Stupid? Duo, your -not- stupid. All you need is help.then it will be alright.and I'm here."  
  
"Why the hell are you being so nice Chang?" Duos voice was hoarse and raspy as he spoke. "I know what you think of me.I'm sick.I don't deserve to live. Look at me damn it. I cut myself so that I could die. I call myself the god of death, and yet someone saves me from my self-induced fate? Who the FUCK do you think you are. Leave."  
  
Wufei looked utterly stunned at the comment made by the young man sitting before him.tears welling up into his huge amethyst eyes.  
  
"Duo. I." He was cut off as the boy's energy refueled itself with a loud cry.  
  
"I said LEAVE! NOW!" Duo closed his eyes tight, not wanting to spill the tears that threatened to spill from him. "Just go.please.."  
  
Wufei was completely shell shocked, and stood for a moment, mouth slightly opened, as he stared at the form before him. He opened his mouth further to speak, but Duo opened his eyes and glared at him, causing wufei to think twice about saying anything. He turned around slowly in defeat and walked to the door, as he opened it, he turned to face Duo.  
  
" I'm sorry, there is no honor in this now. I will leave. Goodbye Duo." With that he closed the door behind him and walked to the lounge where the others were sitting, waiting for news.  
  
As wufei turned to enter the doors, he was met by the begging crystal blue eyes of Quatre, who he looked at with such depth, that it caused the worried blonde to turn and sit back down beside his silent lover, who slipped his arm around the Arabians slender waist to comfort him. Wufei stood still in front of the two as he looked from one to the other with worry and anger locked in his onyx gaze.  
  
"He didn't want to live, he didn't want me here. Quatre.I'm sorry.he truly doesn't want to live. It's all Yuy's fault. The bastard had to fuck with Duo's heart."  
  
Quatre looked down, taking it in silently, when wufei had finished, he looked up into the boys' eyes.  
  
"It's up to you if your going to let him hide his emotions again.I'm going back to see him."  
  
Wufei was shocked by the venom in the young Arabs voice and he promptly stood aside to allow the boy to pass. Trowa watched his lover walk away and then looked to wufei, whose gaze followed the boys path.  
  
"Quatre is right, it is your choice."  
  
The banged man stood and gave a curt nod before following his lover's actions and walking to duos room. Wufei being left alone to ponder what had been said to him.  
  
/ Why don't they understand. I don't want to see him like this, and he didn't want to see me. /  
  
**  
  
Duo sat up in his bed as two forms entered the room, one was slightly shorter than himself, and the other tall and skinny, like a shadow, as they came closer, he could see that it was Trowa and Quatre.  
  
"What." He said more darkly than he intended.  
  
"I don't want to see anyone. Didn't Wufei tell you that." He didn't look up from his lap as he spoke, concentrating solely on his bandaged arms.  
  
"Duo," Quatre spoke softly, as if he were going to cry if he spoke any louder. " By Allah, why did you do this to yourself. What was ever so bad?"  
  
"Where's Yuy. I want to see the bastard." Duo bit out not even bothering to act like he had heard Quatre speak. The boy looked stunned at being ignored by the braided boy. He looked up to his silent love and whispered.  
  
"He's so bitter now.what could have happened.Trowa." the blonde Arab broke into sobs as he fell into his lovers' arms, stricken with the pain emanating from Duo.  
  
"Duo, you didn't think about anyone did you? Only about yourself." Duo looked up, shocked, it was the first time since the wars that he had heard the silent soldier speak."  
  
Trowa set the blond boy down, and stepped toward Duo, who was still strapped to the bed. The boys became so close, that duo could feel Trowas' breath on his face, then the boy suddenly pulled back, and his face was replaced by a firmly designated punch to the jaw. Duo fell back stunned by the sudden act of violence on the others part, then the pain in his jaw began to well and he looked to the boy before him wide eyed like a child.  
  
"You don't think about anyone but yourself. Every one hurts, but all you can think about is your own selfishness."  
  
Trowa turned and walked out of the room, carrying Quatre with him.  
  
"Your right, I am selfish, but I don't know how else to share how I feel so this is what I do I'm sorry, I/m so sorry for all of this." He broke into sobs as he cried out softly for his pain to cease. "Please forgive me."  
  
Wufei leaned back out of the doorway and rested his head against the wall. "I forgive you, Duo."  
  
**  
  
A/N YAY!!! That was the longest chapter I've ever written!! ^_^ Oh, just in case, it started out with Wu-mans POV and ended in a combo of duos and Trowa, I think. o wait, wuffers came in there at the end no? ^_^ well, hope you enjoyed it!! 


	3. Come into me

As I Die  
  
A/N Gomen Nasai!!!!!!! I haven't updated in forever!!! I'm grounded and got the chance today to get on the computer.I don't think ill go into details. Oh, and please excuse any typos, I do not have time to spell check ne of this, so I'm doing my best to type w/o screwing up. I'm so happy!! I actually got reviews!!! YAY!! ^____________^ Sorry, laps of judgment, sad this early in the morning.. (Erk, its 5 AM here) ANY WAY I have no idea were any of this is coming from, so please excuse the randomness, if there is any.  
  
Warnings: as usual in my fics.. Angst, I can't remember if there's yaoi or not!!! ARGH! Oh well. I think there is.unless this is the one w/ duo as a chick.oh yea, I remember, this is the thing w/ Fei.so it is yaoi, a 2x5 pairing!! ^_^ Any way, now that I have figured that out.there is also violence, language, drug usage and its likely going to be a death fic.  
  
I DO NOT I repeat DO NOT own gundam wing. Please don't sue me.  
  
Duo: death fic!!! Your not going to kill shinigami are you @_@  
  
Aya: no, of course not, I love you to much!! ::squeezes him:: I think ill kill heero, he hurt you so bad!!  
  
Muse: what DID heero do, I didn't ever help you with that.  
  
Aya: I don't know.I haven't thought of that.yet. ^_____^  
  
Muse: O_o  
  
Heero: O_o  
  
Heero: don't kill me! I didn't do anything to that baka!  
  
Duo: I knew you loved me!!! ::glomps::  
  
Heero: O_O  
  
Muse/Aya: Oh my god  
  
Aya: So CUTE!!! Maybe ill kill someone else.someone is going to die in this fic, I know that much.  
  
Duo/Heero: o_O  
  
Duo: please.don't kill me.I'm to young to die ::squeezes heero:: Hee- chan, you love me right?? Will you give yourself up for me?? Please?? ::puppy eyes:: Heero: o_O MAXWELL!!!  
  
Aya: um.im getting frightened.so, let get on to the fic..  
  
**************************************************************************** **  
  
As I Die: chapter three  
  
Come into me  
  
***************************  
  
~~And when you wanted me  
  
I came to you  
  
And when you wanted someone else  
  
I withdrew.  
  
And when you wanted light  
  
I set myself on fire  
  
And if I go, far away, I know  
  
You'll find another slave~~  
  
Duo lay with his head propped against the headrest of the hospital bed, listening to his breath as it came in short hitching gasps.  
  
/ Why do I do this to myself /  
  
"Because, you think no one loves you." Wufei leaned against the door of the room. It was after hours, so Duo knew he had broken in somehow. It didn't surprise him really to see the young man, but more so that he had been talking to himself.  
  
Duo grinned sheepishly at the Chinese boy and squeaked (yes squeaked) "You scared me Fei, I didn't see you there!"  
  
"I was never here to begin with. Don't you see, your dreaming. I'm not real, and neither are you."  
  
Suddenly the image of Wufei was gone and in its place a Demon of smoke and fire stood. The creature transformed itself again and became a dragon with horns of ice and a body of water. Duo stared in amazed horror at the being before him. Then suddenly the creature became one of blood and tears. Of all the pain he felt. A blade sliced the flesh of an animal with no name, and before his eyes, it became maggot infested and repulsing. The creature then became the likeness of Wufei again, and duo Sank back into his bed, huddled underneath the covers fear plain in his eyes.  
  
The look-alike Stared at him with an ice in his glare that would have made Heero cringe.  
  
/Heero../ Duo thought at the being opened its mouth to reveal fangs, then shut it.  
  
" I am your worst nightmare Maxwell. Fear me." Then it vanished, leaving no trace of its ever existing.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Duo awoke in a cold sweat and screamed as He opened his eyes to see Wufei leaning against the door just as the image in his dream had.  
  
" GET AWAY!!! I DON'T WANT TO SEE THOSE IMAGES ANY MORE!!"  
  
Wufei looked up startled at the boys outburst.  
  
"Duo, shut up, its midnight, and I cant get caught here."  
  
Just as the words escaped his lips Duo heard the shuffle of a nurses feet coming down the hall.  
  
"Get under my bed."  
  
Wufei looked at Duo bewildered.  
  
"GET UNDER THERE NOW!"  
  
Wufei did as he was told, and had just disappeared beneath the bed when a plump nurse of about 35 who wore too much make up ran into the room sweating and out of breath.  
  
"Mr. Maxwell!" A shrill voice erupted in the room, as the nurse looked over the boys form eyeing him for the slightest cause of the outburst.  
  
"What happened here?" Duo cringed at her voice /will this lady shut up?/  
  
"Um." duo scratched the back of his head "I just had a nightmare, I'm fine now."  
  
"are you sure.I don't want you waking up the whole hospita."  
  
Duo cut her off quickly saying that he was fine and that he wouldn't be of any more trouble to them that night.  
  
As soon as the nurse had left, Wufei slowly crept out from under the bed and got to his feet staring at Duo and brushing the dust off his clothing and hair.  
  
"Maxwell, what the hell was that"?  
  
gomen nasai! I would have had this done so much sooner, but I've been in Florida. The wait was not in vain!! I got a boyfriend while I was down there!! His name is Jeff! He's 18 and he's got blond hair and blue eyes.and he's wonderful. well.you don't need to know that part. But I'm SOOOOOOOO happy now!! I met him at his work and such. he's a sweetheart If I can figure out how to download the pic, ill put it on my profile for my AIM screen name, Silentdeathshado. ^_^ ::beams:: IM SO HAPPY!!!  
  
Ahem. Gomen, I'm just so excited. ASHITERU JEFF-KUN!! 


End file.
